Never have I....

Ever wanted someone to leave my life so much.  Why can't I get away from this?  I just can't bring myself to move on... and it kills me.  I tried to delete you, but I can't.  I just... can't.  You affected my life in so many ways... you could never even begin to understand.  You would want to, anyway.  You wouldn't care.  I know you're awful for me, so why do I always want to go back?  

This kind of love is making me feel like a drug addict.  I'm just trying to get away... I know that if I try you out again, my life will just go downhill, but when I get my fix things feel so good.  The power you have over me is terrifying.  

I wish I could say I hate you.  I wish I could know if I loved you.  I just want to go back in time, and to have never sent that stupid email that brought you back into my life.  But you would be so much worse if I hadn't.  I would be so different, probably worse for it too.  

The fact that you can say that you haven't learned anything in the past year hurts.  I tried to help, but I couldn't.  I guess I am just as useless as you have always made me out to be.  

If I could, I would yell at you.  Tell you that you are a terrible person and that you would never change.  You would laugh at me in my anger and frustration, mock every word I would say to you.  You know that would fuel the rage.  I would eventually give up.  I would go home, defeated.  I would cry on the shoulders of my friends... my real friends.  Not you.  Not the one who called me his sister.  Not the one who hurt me, betrayed me, forgot me.  

I guess the trick is to not love you anymore.  

But I don't think I can do that.  

((Hooray for midnight ramblings that stem from procrastination, anger, and hurt)